The #1 coaching mistake I see
People come to me seeking help with things like job transitions, unhappy teams, or how to unlock the next round of fundraising.
This is where they make a mistake.
After presenting their issue they pause and ask me for my advice. I rarely give it.
What they’re really seeking is a transformation. I partner with them on their journey by leaning on a set of core principles, including The Ladder of Self-Reliance, Radical Acceptance, and Process over Outcomes.
What they don’t get is a lot of “advice”. Here’s why.
What my clients come to me for
My clients frequently come to me with issues. They’re often in points of transition or contention, wrestling with big questions in life. They’ve often achieved some level of “success” in their careers and lives, but have a nagging feeling that there’s more to this game than “success”.
These issues take many forms, and in almost all cases, my clients seek “answers” in the form of advice and opinions.
Should I quit my job?
What should I do with my life?
How do I make more money?
While advice, opinions, and “answers” are often useful tools, I like to explore what’s at risk by seeking them as the proximate solutions to our issues.
First, advice is akin to a drug. External answers give us small dopamine hits as we receive them, which offer an enticing and powerful carrot to follow for a while. These hits put the anxiety of having an issue without a clear solution at bay for a while. But eventually, when the next issue arises and anxiety rears its head, the advice-seeker must again return to sources outside of themselves for the panacea. This issue-anxiety-advice cycle breeds a form of dependence on others, with advice acting as a drug.
Second, advice-giving often comes from a narrow point of view. I’ve lived my life for a tad less than 30 years and have had a fractional slice of the collective life experiences that my clients have had. There are meaningful threads of common humanity across our stories that I reference, but to give an “answer” from this set of limited experiences would presume that the data I have is enough to draw meaningful and accurate conclusions.
Finally, and most importantly, doling out advice bulldozes over an opportunity to be with ourselves during times of transition and listen to what our circumstances have to share with us. We will never be rid of pain and uncertainty in our lifetimes, and the learnings we can glean from them are unique and beautiful. There is no advice I can give as a coach that will ever be as accurate, personalized, and meaningful as the internal learnings that come from sitting with ourselves during these periods.
Therein lies the issue with advice, opinions, and “answers”. They are all short-term solutions to a long-term problem. If I mindlessly give out advice, it can create a further dependence on external sources for answers within my clients. For the record: I do offer my advice, on occasion.
What I really do
I’ve been a coach for nearly 3 years, and a mentor, leader, and advocate for others for over a decade. In that time, I’ve found that what my clients are really seeking is a metamorphosis - a fundamental and permanent transformation in their ways of being that is well adapted to their current reality.
This work begins with creating a map of my client’s lives and inner landscapes. The status quo is often characterized by states of disconnection and distraction, which make it easier to seek answers outside of themselves. It’s difficult to do the deep work involved in seeking answers from within when attention is scattered and anxiety and enervation pervade our lives. As a coach, I partner with my clients on their journey to move to a place of deep presence and self-reliance, generating their passion and direction from internal sources.
If I have worked with a client forever, then I have failed as a coach. Whether my engagements last for a single session or for multiple years (both have happened), I partner with my clients to develop resourcefulness such that they are able to lean on their inner wisdom for the direction they seek. This often shows up as curiosity and inquisitiveness around their issues, like:
Should I switch jobs? → Why is it important for you to make a transition?
I don’t feel successful → What’s at risk if you don’t succeed?
How do I get to the next level in my career? → How do you know it’s time for a change?
These “wonder” questions are one tool in my coaching toolkit. Let’s explore some of the others.
Core principles
It’s my view of coaching that a fundamental transformation occurs as a result of being in the sustained presence of someone else. While there’s no “textbook” coaching engagement, the one thing in common across all of my engagements is me. I offer these principles to my clients in our work together. They’re all offerings, not obligations - meaning they are invitations to accept or decline. They’re suffused into the space I hold for my clients, reflected in the questions I ask, the wisdom I reference, and my general presence. I don’t dogmatically follow these principles as “the answer,” but I’m confident that they hold some of the keys to unlocking the transformation that my clients seek.
The Ladder of Self-Reliance
“Trust thyself, every heart beats to that iron string.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Self-reliance is the practice of becoming leaders in our lives, moving from a state of “victim” consciousness, where we are at the effect of the world, to a state of “creator” consciousness, where we create the world. This means taking complete responsibility for the results in our lives and accepting the role that we play in creating them.
Importantly, self-reliance is the end state. The path includes a few gated checkpoints, kind of like rungs on a ladder. I call this The Ladder of Self-Reliance.
First, self-awareness. We must become aware of ourselves and how we move about the world. This includes bringing mindful attention to our thoughts, beliefs, patterns, and values. Shining the flashlight on ourselves helps us get a core understanding of where are at in this moment.
Second, self-love. We must learn how to consistently relate to ourselves with love and compassion. Self-love meets self-awareness of our current state with deep acceptance of how coherent our current ways of being are. This is a critical step that precedes any meaningful transformation into self-reliance.
Third, self-trust. When we clearly understand the reality of our situation and meet ourselves with compassion, we create the conditions for self-trust. We must trust ourselves deeply in order to rely on ourselves and our wholeness as the north star in our journey.
If I could only reference 1 principle for the rest of my life, it would be this one.
Radical Acceptance
“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” - Rumi
Radical acceptance is similar to self-awareness. I chose to break it out as its own core principle because it is almost universally present across all of my client engagements. I often hear clients recite some variant of the refrain “I’m unhappy now so that I can be happy later”.
Radical acceptance guides us to learn to relate to this reality: we will never be exonerated from pain, uncertainty, and hard work. We learn to recognize that “wishing the storm away” is a fantasy and that there is no greener pasture “out there” where joy and happiness permanently abound.
Instead, I guide my clients to accept the dichotomy of control. We seek to understand what is within our control and focus our efforts there while releasing ourselves from seeking control over those things that we cannot.
Process over Outcomes
“You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems. Your goal is your desired outcome. Your system is the collection of daily habits that will get you there.” - James Clear
In our journey, we focus on the process over outcomes. By executing a diligent and consistent protocol, we create small, yet meaningful 1% gains that compound over time to yield tremendous results.
I partner with clients to move their focus from outcome orientation to “practice” orientation. If we view our lives as “practice,” we de-addict ourselves from seeking a way to “get rich quick” and honor the power of the mundane.
Note: Process orientation doesn’t mean we don’t get outcomes. It’s been proven time and time again that focusing on the process often gets us to our desired outcomes faster and more sustainably.
In summary
My coaching is the sum total of the principles I’ve outlined above. In client engagements, I don’t directly reference them by name, rather they are reflected in the questions I ask, the presence I bring, and the field that I hold. I strive to create a compassionate awareness of the responsibility we have in creating the outcomes in our lives and to shine a light on inner wisdom as a guide on the way (The Ladder of Self-Reliance). I challenge myself to gently (or sometimes, radically) push my clients forward into growth while understanding the decision is out of my control (Radical Acceptance). I show up in session, bringing my full presence and awareness to tend to the work at hand, whether for one session or many years (Process over Outcomes).
Although no two engagements are the same, it’s my belief and experience that through these principles we are able to create tremendous growth in our lives. I’m a player-coach, which means I play by the same principles that I offer to my clients. My philosophy is an experiment, and as a result, the principles within are subject to scrutiny and evolution over time. This writing represents my current approach to coaching.
I encourage you to explore applying these principles in your own life. What do you agree with? What do you disagree with?
I’d love to hear your thoughts.